come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
