I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
