I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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