My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
