R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
