hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
