so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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