I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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