So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
