2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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