Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
