I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
