what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
