Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
