Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
