Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
