ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
