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• (586): View more from Michigan

  I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching

  (586): View more from Michigan

  Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)

  (586): View more from Michigan

  It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie

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• (360): View more from Washington

  No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..

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• (703): View more from Virginia

  I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.

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• (419): View more from Ohio

  my computer doesn't work...

  (619): View more from California

  why?

  (419): View more from Ohio

  i puked on it last night

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• (514): View more from Quebec

  He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.

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• (804): View more from Virginia

  Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...

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• (716): View more from New York

  i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.

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• (314): View more from Missouri

  So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.

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• (727): View more from Florida

  I'm too stoned to come over for sex

  (813): View more from Florida

  Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock

  (727): View more from Florida

  I'll be right over

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• (801): View more from Utah

  I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.

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• (904): View more from Florida

  And my parents said I crawled through the house

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• (607): View more from New York

  i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.

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• (928): View more from Arizona

  Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?

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• (617): View more from Massachusetts

  3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.

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• (440): View more from Ohio

  So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.

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