A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
