The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
