I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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