Who did Billy Mays play for?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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