he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
