maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
