i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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