Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
