if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
