Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Sorry my hands just texted you
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
