A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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