so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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