I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We are all done wearing pants today
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
