I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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