we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
