I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
