apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
