perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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