Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
