dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
