im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I deserve this hangover.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
