I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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