Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
