glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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