I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
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Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
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I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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