Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
pray to the hookup gods
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
