I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
