he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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