He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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