I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
