I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
