I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
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Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
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I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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