I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
