I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
