what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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