im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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