I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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