Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
