he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
