I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
