Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
