I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
