I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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