There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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