i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
