you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
