I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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